Boys & Girls Read online

  I’m a few chapters in when I hear voices downstairs. Moments later the bear appears, followed by three men and a woman. The woman announces that she’s feeling ill, though apparently this hasn’t affected her capacity to chain smoke. Two of the men are clearly a couple. Everything about them is perfectly matched, from their designer shorts to the disdainful expression on their faces. They look me over, decide I’m not worth talking to, and turn their attention back to the bear. The third man I recognise from the bear’s photos. He smiles and says hello. Grateful for a friendly face, I say hello back.

  The bear is at the bar fixing drinks and I can tell from the way his eyebrow are knitted together that he isn’t entirely happy. I go over to help.

  ‘You forgot to take out the garbage,’ he mutters.

  ‘Right,’ I say. ‘Sorry.’ He still doesn’t look too happy so I add, ‘I can take it down now if you like?’

  ‘No,’ says the bear. ‘I have to go out. I will take it.’

  ‘Where are you going?’ I ask.

  ‘To buy a lemon,’ he replies, as if the purchase of a single lemon from a shop a short drive away were the most natural thing in the world. ‘You must stay and entertain our guests.’

  Evidently, our guests are none too keen on this idea. The woman stubs out her third Marlboro and announces that she’s going to lie down. The couple decide that they want to go shopping. The bear offers to drop them off on his way to buy a lemon.

  Soon they’re gone and I’m left alone with the third man, the one the bear kissed on the beach in Mykonos. He tells me his name is Yusef and we chat about his recent holiday and his life in Dubai. He tells me he works for an investment bank and earns a good salary, which makes up for the fact that, in Dubai, homosexuality is illegal. I’m not sure who he’s trying to convince – himself or me – but he seems pleasant enough and we pass the time chatting about this and that.

  Then the bear is back. Judging by the look on his face, the acquisition of a lemon hasn’t helped to lighten his mood. He stands at the door with the lemon in one hand and a glass of ice in the other. I’m not sure what he intends to do with the lemon, but something tells me that he’s none too familiar with the concept of taking lemons and turning them into lemonade. I suggest to Yusef that maybe he should go and spend some quality time with our host, and they both disappear downstairs.

  I settle back into my book. The tensions of the day are starting to take their toll and I’m happy to follow the publisher’s advice and ‘Trust Marian’. I’m a long way from home, with a bear with a very sore head, and things are becoming more Kafkaesque by the hour. Compared to this, a tale of domestic violence in Ireland seems strangely comforting.

  Yusef and the bear are gone for a good forty minutes, which suggests to me that they must be getting intimate. I hope so anyway. The bear seems to think that sex with Yusef is a done deal, and I don’t think he would handle the rejection well.

  Suddenly Yusef appears. He has the flushed and cocky appearance of a man who has just had sex. Perhaps now the bear will be a little more bearable.

  ‘Okay?’ I ask.

  ‘Okay,’ Yusef grins, confirming my suspicions.

  I look for the bear. ‘Where’s…?’

  ‘Downstairs,’ says Yusef, and spreads himself out on the sun lounger next to mine. He’s less hairy than the bear, and more muscular. I can’t decide if he’s a bear cub, a muscle bear or possibly even an otter. In the bear world, these distinctions are a potential minefield. In this bear’s world, everything is a potential minefield.

  ‘What are you reading?’ he asks.

  ‘Marian Keyes,’ I reply.

  He looks at me blankly.

  ‘She’s really good,’ I say.

  He doesn’t look convinced, so I smile politely and go back to reading my book. Finally I can relax, confident in the knowledge that Yusef has delivered the goods and spared us both any further torment.

  Only I’m wrong. Suddenly the bear appears and tells Yusef his taxi is on the way.

  Yusef looks confused. ‘But my friends – they’re still shopping’.

  ‘You must go now,’ the bear growls. He goes to wake the sleeping woman, who appears moments later in a cloud of cigarette smoke. She coughs and mumbles something to Yusef, who rolls his eyes and mumbles something back. Then they’re both ushered out.

  When the bear returns, I ask him what happened.

  ‘Like you don’t know,’ he snaps.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I reply as calmly as I can. ‘That’s why I’m asking.’

  ‘He was all over you,’ the bear says.

  ‘What?’

  ‘He was all over you, just now.’

  ‘He was just being friendly,’ I say.

  The bear snorts. ‘What are you, stupid?’

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘And I’m not the one who just had sex with him. I take it you did have sex?’

  ‘Yes we had sex’, the bear growls. ‘But then he came and talked to you. He should have stayed with me. Why would he have sex with me and not stay with me?’

  I resist the urge to say something I might regret. ‘You’ll have to ask him,’ I say.

  The bear looks at me like I’m some evil interloper, hell bent on ruining his last chance of love. He looks so wounded, so convinced of his own innocence, I have to remind myself that I haven’t actually done anything wrong.

  ‘I must go now,’ he sighs. ‘I will call you in a few hours. You must pick up the phone. Then you can call a taxi and come and meet me.’

  ‘Okay,’ I say.

  As soon as the bear is gone, I go to the computer, log onto the internet and book myself into a hotel. Then I pack my bags and leave. No confrontation. No explanation. No note. Yes, I really am a chicken.

  BLOOM

  JOE STOREY-SCOTT

  this is me eighteen nineteen maybe

  it’s a beautiful day I met this boy there’s this boy the most beautiful eyes-sneaked looks quick glances-contact registers we’re on the same level and I’m wanting to get it on how old are you what do you like doing is it safe here no it wasn’t like that something else something could be real jumpstart sidle up and start talking HELLO a rose tattoo upon his neck baseball cap with slouchy look the most beautiful did I mention his eyes he’s a hunger all inviting YOU LOOK DELICIOUS is what he says and I’m laughing: he’s so hot and I’m just yearning / want to make this and take this much further but this won’t happen there are problems, he’s got to be someplace somewhere back in the real world in his real life – running, not running with this / all these STUPID PROBLEMS the idea of being, another, he’s got / I want to take these things and make them much closer I want but he won’t: this is how I suppose it started and sort of ended

  and it’s later two weeks on it’s HOME ALONE now early evening I get ready Status Update: is thinking about going out (and says that and is definitely going out) –getting ready I’m thinking about what I’m wearing and will I see him I might see him again he could be out tonight this needs a soundtrack: turn the dial press Music press Artist press Album press Play I wander round in little bits and pieces small hanging all lit up SMELL THE FLOWERS and look nice What’s On Your Mind? I done tons of stuff but nothing real / need to be smart and so sexy I’m thinking tight centred and cool with the day-glo / make some choices and I’m ready –phone’s ringing: You Have One New Message and the promise of something new

  I’m out and it’s later meet up and we’re crammed tight in the back of a bar round a table all friends and friends and people I’m not that sure,,,,, phone device out in the palm of someone’s hand tapping stroking glow lights up their face – I don’t know who they are don’t know if they’re with us or not – lots of catching up to do and the chatting trading light piss-takes and outrage CHEERS drinks bought all round I look up and I see him he’s here in the bar now looking WORLD AROUND ME slows down and the SHARP FOCUS PULL – Is that that boy asks someone looking over my shoulder I don’t need to look round I know who they mean – Ye
ah yeah – a little smile abashed and I’m certain, maybe thinking, did I say too much and jinx this by talking to others about him too soon –he looks busy looking round the place not looking over my way so it’s obvious he’s decided not to see me at all ALL MY FRIENDS they’re probably thinking I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what I’m doing I guess nothing much happened between us but we met! and he smiled and he knows who I am maybe there’s something could be something ongoing going on Press Esc To Exit Full Screen Mode my budding romance whatever else –drinks are pushed around the table people talking I’m aware of and I’m back with them now –said, I put some stuff up on youtube you should see it it’s cool –saying, When I got back there they’d already gone I couldn’t find them –saying, I can’t believe that she’d see him after all they went through – so the boy mr rose tattoo he’s forgotten about for now just tucked down the back for la—

  someone bumps into me more drinks again hi cheers CHEERS I’m not even sure that I like this place full of dry air and the strong perfumes, someone has their sunglasses on I couldn’t do that looks stupid and somehow cool – the music to be seen in and THE MUSIC / on the bar tall vase of white lilies towering the music makes things better but it feels like some scene something everyone’s in on not me this seemed like a good idea some other time then the song / song that’s playing now I hear it and I’m smiling quick grin then frown it’s the song that was playing the time we first met when I met him so I wonder if he’s thinking what I’m thinking if he remembers this too he’s just over there in the middle WTF – Status Update: it’s still So Far, No Sign – it would be easy SO EASY he could just glance over and see me recognise me and smile continue the song where we left things unended here more drinks again cheers cheers and chink glasses –said I got their new album it’s so great have you heard it –said I thought it wasn’t out yet –said it isn’t –DID HE SAY THAT someone stands and group together for a photo opportunity face SMILING everyone all hand gestures and grinning then back to each other the conversations KEEP TALKING I look away and see two people maybe couple all eager to be seen making their way up to the bar they smile and wave over – I’m elated – means nothing, all these people I’m below of and want to be with all they love is to laugh at the bad luck of others I’M ITCHING more friends join us for a minute or two making vague plans to maybe hook up later in this club we might go to then there’s more drinks You And 2 Others Like This and some more drinks and I’m drinking the floral shirt that he’s wearing it looks new / someone saying are we staying here –said where’s my bag oh okay –saying what about that new place IT’S ON but I want to stay here he’s still here still blanking me he won’t be in that new place I’m sure it’s rubbish anyway or maybe he will be –said you’re dealing with your life now pal gotta make a decision –said whatever –said what –said you just need to save in this format –said make it better / Then there’s movement and people shuffling round the table to be out of here to get ready for the next part of our night ah who decided and when

  nnnnnn I’m saying maybe just one more quick one here but everyone’s standing I’m still sitting so I guess they win out it’s on the way –saying let’s go –said don’t want to get there too late –said it’ll be heaving / and finish up drinks me feeling slightly annoyed a little panic creeping in the music has changed now he’s still here still the same –I’m just going to –I need a quick pee first, – meaning I get to walk by his table and give him the chance to see that I’m in here we can catch up maybe it’s just that he hasn’t noticed me yet yes that’s it A Program Needs Your Permission To Continue so I’m weaving my way through the bar it’s much busier now guessing which way others will move so to avoid any collision I’m a little drunk now I hesitate as I approach their table he’s with his friends they’re talking loudly and laughing one has petals from a flower twirl round in their hand I move to the side to let someone get by me I just stand there out in full view it’s stupid and awkward and makes me self-conscious but I have his attention he sees me now none of the others notice all wrapped in their thing no-one knows what I am anyway busy laughing with each other having a good time not him FOR A SECOND he lets his eyes lock on mine then as quickly away meaning no don’t go there not here

  oh

  I move quickly my way past all these idiots too many people – pushing my way to the toilets nod hello to some guy coming out I should stop for a moment and say HI but there’s other people going in and out all the time and we’d be in the way I’m still bruised from the brush-off it’s much brighter in here STOP some time-out I step up and piss long and hard I hadn’t felt the need someone’s scrawled something on the wall in front about a club promoter I know – it’s probably true – the bloke along from me talking into his phone as he pisses clearly proud of the large cock he makes no attempt to shield / I still expect hope for him to rise from his table his friends and follow me in here all urgent to explain and validate what’s between us all that we feel Windows Has Identified A Problem And Unexpectedly Quit –none of his friends know about him WHAT’S GOING ON it’ll be alright we could be together there’s still time for anything tonight –instead this guy I once slept with few months ago comes in and I try to remember can’t recall how things were when we left it AWKWARD I sort of smile nod to cover the bases and hurry out like I’m needed to be somewhere fast – thin smiles stretched out when I get back to my friends not a mean way I attempt some illusion I’m in control taking TALKING right are we ready are we going let’s go

  Sometimes there are other times in the dark, outside. Some places taken over and thrum with a new purpose. Out of the stillness there is movement and figures make themselves known. Men gather to improvise, inspire and elicit empty bursts. Everyone watches, everyone waits, every one of us judging and graded ourselves. How old are you, what are you into, is it safe here? Eyes flicker in silent transactions, no-one speaks. Each of us out on offer, only want what we need. I control and contain this. Connections, and nothing.

  then we’re in here it’s later in this club and I feel like I’m out on display no one’s looking syntax error PLAY THE NEW REMIX the ink-stamp on my hand a daisy shows I’m down in here out clubbing and will prove this in the morning so more drinking say hi, SMILE HI more drinking more drinking this place looks like a fake world and I want to be out somewhere real still THE MUSIC music louder booms hold tight smothers everything some blanket sound –it feels like it’s coming from within me there’s laughing and talking people drift in and out of / my friends are off mixing –the air in here much warmer and thicker I’m drunk could be drunker I’ve no idea how I got here and lean on the bar looking for more try to look cool without looking like I’m trying someone stands near me I know them from somewhere and should talk but without knowing why I choose to ignore him / him turning the other way sips his drink makes it clear that it’s him ignoring me I don’t really care his trousers are hunched low I can see his underwear

  I drift off to the dancefloor pretending to look for the friends I lost earlier soon as we got here they’ve gone off on their own adventures in search of something else something more the music and lights thump really loud Become A Fan Of This things stutter they slow down as smoke fills the room giving me something a minute to hide in I try to dance and make vague moves more or less fit in with the music this music and sound smoke clearing then I spot him he’s standing on the edge by the tall speakers with his friends from before I can see the bass punch the air how long has he been here I need something to think of I can’t handle this now I want a cigarette need something to hold onto I head back to the bar not seeing the people and stuff around me I don’t want another drink more drinks no maybe I do the music’s really loud did he see me maybe that was nothing am I stupid or what mmmh yes yes I would cos it’s him that I want the moment we met eyes delicious really beautiful I know there’s something just need to get things in place this club is so big and sprawls underground I think I need to get out of here now every
where just looking I turn the corner and he’s standing right there all things stop

  for a second so how does this go he’s nervous it’s happening he looks all around he says they’re all leaving he says his friends have all gone he says he told them he was staying on here he could stay here hang with me it’s all okay now the music so loud we get drinks we sit down a too-low table with too-low chairs in a corner our drinks clink on the glass top this club / the bar earlier / who we know / where we’re going / mutual friends and the music I’ve no idea what we talk about all I hear are the sounds we sit in every position every limb sending signals scared that some touch will give a wrong meaning THE MUSIC so loud every moment hesitates everything else is forgotten loud music just him with me in here it’s cold maybe that’s why I’m shaking he frowns looking straight at me looking this matters to him too FALL MADLY sometimes the lines waver and that’s where the beauty is I can’t do this he’s saying he can’t do this breaks away smiling make a joke out of it out of himself this just to let him get away with it all not connecting not making this real I feel like I want to want to run away but I don’t we’re still talking he’s closer much closer again I stare at his tshirt with the nipple pushing hard we’re talking saying nothing his face close to mine I’m drunk and it’s late the music is louder a million miles away now it’s so quiet and his breath lips smile moving closer we move closer make things clear shift closer his eyes meeting mine move closer so loud eyes move to my mouth smile hesitant the music lips touching like flowers burst out everywhere all around in here the first kiss